Variation, moderation and balance is good for your mind, body and soul ❤️
So, I joined weight watchers today, rather, I rejoined.
I was in it several years ago and I had a lot of success with it.
I’m in an odd place because I love and appreciate the body positive community and it has helped me so much. I have gotten to a place where I do accept myself for who I am and what I look like with the body that I have.
But. I do want to lose some weight. That is a really difficult thing for me to admit. I don’t know why. I feel like I’m betraying myself or something. I feel like I’m betraying everything I’ve fought so hard to get to when it comes to accepting myself “as is”.
The other part of this is that I’m scared to lose weight. While I haven’t ever been diagnosed with anything, I do think that I have an eating disorder. I haven’t delved too much into my eating issues with my therapist (because I have so many other things to talk about with her) but they are there.
I got very addicted to the scale before and I fell into that “praise” and “punish” when it came to that number. I started weighing myself several times a day and it became a huge obsession for me.
Before I tried the weight loss thing (and during and after) I have been a binge eater. I have hidden when I eat (since I was a kid), I would wait until late at night to eat, or I would eat in my car (after going through more than one drive through) I have opened up to my best friend about these behaviors and I don’t binge the way I used too-mostly because I have a better handle on my depression and anxiety and my body image issues (because I got into the body positive movement) but I do still overeat especially when I’m stressed-just not to the extent that I used to.
Mostly my weight has stayed the same over the last several years but I think that’s because my doctor put me on MetFormin (for PCOS) not really because of anything major that I’ve been doing. But I hate taking this medicine because it gives me (TMI incoming) crazy explosive diarrhea and half the time I am fighting not to shit my pants. So I want to not keep having the dose upped because that’s all she keeps doing.
I do eat healthy foods. I like fruits and veggies. I do. BUT I have learned that I cannot and I will not omit food groups and I will not label foods as “good” “bad” “cheat” or “free” because that just doesn’t work well for me and leads to binge fests.
And I don’t want to get any bigger. That’s partially for vanity reasons I will be totally honest. But more important than that, it’s for my health. I do not want to become diabetic or have a heart attack at 50.
My goal is not to drop a “ton” of weight. I am not even going to discuss my weight loss goal here. I know what my goal is but that part is not the part I want to focus on. I just want to get a “grip” on my relationship with food.
That’s ultimately why I came back to Weight Watchers. I know a lot of people in the body positive community are anti any type of weight loss product. And I completely respect that. We in this community are from all walks of life, including recovering from all types of eating disorders.
I would never advocate something that I don’t feel is healthy. I’m not a fan of a lot of their ads (though I think WW’s are getting a little better) but at the end of the day, I do like this program and I have to do what is best for me.
I hope to track my progress, feelings, thoughts, etc here-but I won’t be tracking any weight loss here. I am going to track my weight loss, which will be a challenge for me because I don’t want to get obsessed with the scale again-and if I do-I will talk about that (maybe here) and I hope with my therapist.
I don’t want to approach this with the thought that I will fail (as far as the scale obsession) but I want to be realistic. I know I can get passed it if that does happen and I won’t let it beat me.
I have the tools now to keep me from sinking back into that.
But I am doing this for my health.
I love every roll and every curve that I have but I want to be healthier and I want to stay healthy and that’s why I am doing this.
I feel like I have gone as far as I can go without any extra help, which is why I decided to rejoin Weight Watchers. I need that extra boost right now.
So, here goes nothing.
But even when the authors adjusted for age, gender, smoking, drinking, cholesterol levels, waist circumference and daily intake of red meat and salt, the associations between breakfast-skipping and plaque remained—“suggesting that indeed skipping breakfast could be one of the risk factors clustering around the early onset and development of atherosclerosis,” the authors wrote in their paper.